DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN? REFRAMING FAILURE
Do you ever feel frustrated and demotivated when things just keep going wrong, no matter how hard you try to fix them?
There's a way to channel these hard times towards growth.
Let me share a story from my time in the defense industry that taught me a valuable lesson about staying positive in the face of failure.
I experienced many hiccups and failures during my time working in the defense industry, especially during field tests.
We worked on prototype detection systems, which involved a lot of half-baked setups, and a lot of unknowns. Naturally, with these came many failures, delays and malfunctions. Sweating under the hot sun, with sand all around, we experienced the “joy” of disconnected wires, blown out power sources, interference from unexpected sources, unsaved data, and more.
In specially “hard” days, when things seemed to go wrong even more than usual, we had this motivational mantra that lifted our spirits. We used to say “if things are going wrong more than usual, it must mean we were on the verge of a breakthrough”. This idea helped us regroup, ground ourselves, and keep going despite a streak of failures.
I’ll get back to this story in the end of the post.
After experiencing firsthand the power of a positive mindset in the face of failure, I've come to realize that there are certain strategies that can help turn frustration into growth.
Here are a few strategies that have worked for me.
FAILURE IS INEVITABLE
Let’s get this out of the way - you will fail.
The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be able to free yourself from that debilitating fear.
I’m not saying you should give up, to avoid failure.
I’m saying you should be mentally ready that failure will come some day.
You should strive to do your best, invest time, talent, and grit into making it work.
But you should also be able to accept the reality of a fresh defeat.
Accept that you failed.
Learn what you can.
And keep going.
Buddhists say “life is pain”.
In this context, “life is failure” might be more appropriate.
So next time you fail, and you feel that frustration energy build up in your chest and face, remember that it had come sometime. There really is no point in rubbing salt into your own wounds.
FAILURE IS NECESSARY
One of my guiding principles in life is, the obstacle is the way.
It’s one thing to accept the reality of failure as a part of life.
A step forward is to realize failure is more the inevitable.
Failure is necessary.
Without failure, you would only have your success stories as signal on how and where to grow.
But success stories are much more rare than failures.
And they are more “fulfilling” than “motivating”.
Failure is a powerful tool for learning what not to do.
Think about it.
You only had to get burned once to realize you shouldn’t touch fire anymore.
You only had to get burned once to realize you shouldn’t share too much personal information (said the blogger…)
When a blind person walks down the street with their cane, they are not looking for where to go.
They are looking for where not to go.
Look, if everything is working out for you perfectly, there is no reason to grow, right?
You are either perfect, or (more likely) not challenging yourself nearly enough.
FRUSTRATION IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE
So failure (or pain) is inevitable, but frustration (or suffering) is not.
I know that feeling, when failure strikes yet again, and you just want to scream.
You can feel your face getting all red, and your chest tightening up.
And you might like hitting something.
But this tantrum can be very short, or you can keep feeding it by reiterating your failure and emotional response in your head.
If you stop for a second and think about it, this rage will not lead to anything useful.
Is it going to undo your failure? No.
Is it going to improve you for next time? No.
Is it going to bother your colleagues? Probably…
Is it going to raise you blood pressure? Probably…
Is it going to increase you sugar craving? Ok that’s a story for a different post… (no added sugars all day!)
The bottom line is, feeding your own frustration is counterproductive.
Accept the (inevitable) failure.
Learn what you can from it.
And move on.
Conclusion
Look, failing is not fun.
But no one said life is about fun.
When you reach out and try something hard, you sometimes fail.
That’s just life.
Next time you are on a streak of failures, or your have a huge single failure, try the following self-talk.
Reaslitic:
“It had to come sometime (failure is inevitable)”
“I will learn so much from it”
“Staying frustrated too long will only harm me”
Philosophical:
“The obstacle is the way” - I use this one almost on a daily basis.
“At the very least, I’m going to get better at bad situations, I’m going to become more resilient” - I used this one when tragedy hit our family, several times.
“It’s fortunate that this happened specifically to me, and not to someone less resilient” - I used this one when life seems to be too painful, and I just want to quit and restart.
Mindful:
“Who is the one who is frustrated right now?” - I’m trying this one lately, it has been working much better than expected. It kind of, makes me aware of the frustration and pain but from a distance. I feel the heart beat fast, and the heat build up, but overall I am less disturbed.
“How does the frustration physically feel right now?”
“How does my breathing physically feel now?”
Oh, let’s go back to my story about the defense industry. One thing led to another, and after years of hard work - we achieved unprecedented operational success with our system, and even received the president’s defense award (as part of a larger team project).
We will never reach a state of basking in our lack of problems.
Problems, and failures, will always be there.
All we can do is accept reality, learn from it, and keep going.
Tomorrow is a new day.
