Adaptive Resilience

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Embrace the Pause: Mindfulness while Waiting

I can’t imagine life without my two tiny toddlers. Okay, okay, I can imagine sleeping better and having time for my own projects which is not like 2-3am, but - you get the point. They are funny, interesting, awesome little human beings (and way smarter than me). And the only way I could have them, is to go through all the firestorms and waiting that came before them.

My wife and I go back 12 years. We met online, when Facebook was a naive little social media platform, and “woke” wasn’t a word yet. I was 21, fresh out of University, with a Physics degree (yep, one of the cool ones). She was 18, fresh out of… well.. high school. We chatted for a few months, until we decided to meet for coffee (we both hated coffee back then, but wanted to look more like adults in the eyes of each other). We spent the whole evening just talking and laughing, and had a great time.

And then the real journey began. We experienced some highs and some very deep lows.. We had to take our time, polish out the kinks, figure out our priorities, and find out what our relationship is made of. In short, we had to wait.

It took us something like 7 years to make it official and get married.
It took us roughly 3 more years to go through some really hellish stuff and get to our first awesome toddler.
Even today, we have significant matters in our lives that are on hold, waiting for resolution or more time to address them.

If we haven’t waited all this time, if anything was accelerated or cut short, I wouldn’t have gotten to meet these wonderful cubs. Sure, there might have been others (of which I might have written the same). But we are not living in that alternate timeline.. We are in this timeline, with these 2 Smurfs I would never replace, and for which I will keep waiting again and again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that waiting doesn't have to be so bad.

How are we waiting today?

Have you ever gone into an elevator, and felt a bit agitated and uncomfortable.
Strangers around you.
Sometimes they stand too close.
The air is a bit heavy.
You keep moving around to find a good position.
You become hyper-aware of your own arms.
“Am I breathing too much?”
“Am I standing too close to this girl? maybe she feels uncomfortable with this distance?
“What if someone snaps and decides to attack me, will remember my training?”
(no? just me? ok…)
And your left hand automatically reaches down to your pocket.
You are ready to pull out the distracto-phone and distract the discomfort away with some tasty meme or social media.

Or when the line in the grocery store is way too long, and it had to be t-o-d-a-y of all days.
Especially for me, because specifically today and now I am in a hurry.
”It always happens!”
”Ugh, why is she taking so long?!”
”I will go through the checkout much quicker, and that will show her how it’s done.”
”So self-centered.”
”Great, it’s also hot in here. Goddamnit.”

Or in traffic, when you realize you are going to be late.
Why? why? why can’t the traffic flow just a bit faster?”
”I’m going to be late, and they will realize I am an idiot who can’t show up on time.”
”Move already!”
”Why aren’t the other drivers reacting quicker?”
”Stay sharp idiots!”

And then you start getting hot - but the AC is already all the way up.
Your clench your jaw.
Your breathing is heavier.
Maybe you bite your upper lip a bit.
And then the looping-thoughts kick in, getting angry at yourself for getting angry, spiraling into more and more anger and frustration.

Are these situations and reactions familiar to you?
Yeah, me to.
I’ve been there - believe me.

Is it worth it?
Does this anger motivate you to perform better in that moment?
Do you actually get to your destination faster?
Probably not.

Don't get me wrong - anger can be a motivating force, to help you mobilize and do something.
But usually not in these situations of waiting.

So, how can we do better?

How CAN WE DO BETTER?

First things first - we can start by accepting that this is what we have to deal with. There is some waiting to do. We can try to improvise and find a creative way around, but it would be much easier and relaxed to do it while not being pissed. So, embrace the fact that there is a delay, and let go of that nagging voice spraying your entire experience with negative judgment of the current events.

Better? Good.
But we can do even better.
Forget about just accepting the wait.
We can also practice mindfulness while waiting.

Then the situation turns from “oh god why” to “sure, I can wait” to “nice! an opportunity to practice mindfulness to improve my general experience of life!”

Why should you bother changing your perspective on waiting?
Don’t.
If you want to keep frowning and being pissed every time you wait in line, don’t bother.
If you want to keep drowning yourself in your phone every time you walk into an elevator, don’t bother.
If you want to keep getting worked up when traffic is slowing you down, raising your blood pressure, and increasing you risk of a car accident, don’t bother.

Why practice mindfulness of all things? Well, long story short:

  1. Stress management is improved with mindfulness practice - we all know folks today need better stress management

  2. Achieving and maintaining healthy weight seems to be easier when eating mindfully

  3. Sometimes you have no choice but to feel pain, why add suffering to is as well?

Still here? Great.
Stick around for a few simple mindfulness exercises you can practice in every day situations.

Mindfulness while waiting

Here are some examples of mindfulness exercises I like to use, pretty much every day. One key thing to remember about mindfulness, is that, distractions are a fact of life. Not only that, distractions are beneficial. The act of noticing you are distracted, and then bringing your attention back to your target (like your breath) is the core of the practice. You are practicing being aware of your own tendency to get lost in thoughts, and then pulling yourself back to the present.

So if you get distracted, don’t get discouraged - you are doing exactly what you are supposed to.

Elevator

Instead of pulling out your phone, decide to use every elevator ride as a mindfulness snack. Take this minute to let go of all actions. Just stand there, and feel what’s it like to be you. I like to focus on my breath during elevator rider (breath focus is a recurring trend here). Feel the sensations of breathing, wherever they appear in your body, the tip of your nose, your abdomin, or chest.

Another good one I’m enjoying currently is feeling the space around you. Usually we look at specific objects. If you pay enough attention to the act of “looking” you will start noticing how your mind automatically jumps to a specific objects, catalogs it and labels it “cup”, “screen”, “bus”. It’s possible to shift your focus from any specific object, to the volume of space around you. It sounds weird, and hard. But try it. For me it pretty quickly generated a curious feeling.

Walking

Bored while walking somewhere? Stop day dreaming. Hold on for a few minutes without YouTube or your audiobook. Feel the sensations of walking. Feel the feet touching the ground, the calves contracting to drive you forward, your hands waving through the air. See the street and people flow by you, until they disappear.

You can also focus on the sensation of hearing. Notice the fact that sounds are coming in. Your mind will want to label them again, let it. I like to actually try to feel the physical sensations in my ears. It helps me become aware more of the raw sensation of hearing.

LINE

Getting frustrated with the line at the store? You can do pretty much the same things as in the elevator or the walking cases. The cherry on top here, is that you seem to have antagonists. The people ahead of you, the cashier, they all seem to deliberately slow you down. This adds another layer to the mindfulness practice, and adds stimulus to help you practice.

DOCTOR’S OFFICE

Waiting for a medical checkup? Feeling that hear rate increase? I like to practice slow and gentle breathing. I try inhaling slowly, and gently, without too much force or pressure. And then I try to exhale slowly and gently. It can help to count a few seconds per inhale/exhale.

SHOWER

Grab this golden opportunity for a refreshing mindfulness practice! Instead of ruminating on today and tomorrow, feel the sensations of water hitting your body. Feel the different temperature of the water (I like cold showers as a nice resilience exercise). Feel the tiny pressure points of the water streams. Feel your feet touching the wet floor. You probably shower once a day. Don’t waste that opportunity to refresh your mind. Something about the touch of water, the sound, and the concept of cleaning yourself hits just the right spot in rebooting your mood.

Also, if you are up for it - try cold showers. I feel like the cold both helps me work on my resilience, and add another stimulus you can be mindful of. A funny trick I like using is, thinking to myself “the water isn’t cold, it’s me that’s warm”. Of course, it’s actually both (the water is cold relative to me, and I’m warm relative to the water). But changing the perspective like this just make it feel less of a big deal.

Summary

Waiting is a part of our lives.
Why add suffering to the mix and aggravate things?
A healthier approach to waiting (in line, elevator, doctor’s office, shower, traffic jam, etc.) is to:

  1. Accept the situation and let go of the angst

  2. Try calmly and without attachment to the result think of a creative solution to accelerate things

  3. Practice mindfulness with the variety of exercises you can found anywhere you look, from focusing on your breath, to feeling your own thoughts come and go.

So what are you waiting for? ;)